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Dg Training 2011 : Week 20

Posted by Dougie on May 26, 2011 at 5:16 AM Comments comments (0)

Week 20 (16/05 - 22/05)


Weight : 11st 12lbs

Booze : 10

Miles : 39



In light of Fulhams decision to erect a Michael Jackson status, Chelsea are also planning on

putting up a statue outside their own ground.

A lifesize replica of Bullseye legend Jim Bowen will be placed outside, with the plaque reading

: "Let's have a look at what you could have won !"




Just got my Olympics ticket allocation back. I just missed out on the mens 100M final, but

picked up 35,000 seats for West Ham v Doncaster..




Tuesday : 10k Midweek League race at Royston.. I would probably describe it as undulating,

as the climbs weren't too significant. I started (as usual) fairly steadily (some would say

"slowly"), and started to pick up from about 2k.. Caught up with Stevie A at the 4k mark, and

we had a good pace going until I must had said something wrong around 7k 'cos he just

buggered off into the distance in a blinding flash.. Time was just over 43 mins, but I was more

satisfied with the steady way I ran it..



Thursday : Did about 7 miles loop around from Roydon on my own with map in hand



Saturday & Sunday : Brecons Training Weekend.. Altogether, there were eight hardy souls

who made their way to Pencelli Castle campsite on Saturday morning for a rather wet and

windy weekend..


I had already plotted seven checkpoints (CP's) for each day, with grid references and

descriptions. The "teams" (pairs) were to mark up their maps, then work their way round the

CP's.. Each pair was given a chance to lead to next CP, whilst the remainder followed, but

ensuring they had an eye on where we were on the map. As we hit the hills on saturday

afternoon, the weather got steadily worse. In the interests of safety, and maintaining team

morale, I decided to cut it short at CP5, and head back to base - always have a plan B is the

motto for the day.. (then have C and D in reserve)..


Sunday morning was similarly poor weather, although it brightened up around midday, and

was superb in the afternoon.. Again, some variation necessary on the original CP's / route in

order to get most out of the day..


Altogether, we covered around 25 miles.. Time on the feet was close to 11 hours, carrying kit

on our backs - legs were tested on some of the latter climbs.


The guys seem to "enjoy" the weekend (as much as I can stretch the meaning of the word

"enjoy") - they certainly all agreed they got a lot of education and useful information relating to

navigation / route choice / use of altimeter / contouring / safety.. They tested out their tents

and stoves, their newly purchased clothing and rucsacs etc - all seemed to work ok.


My @ss is hurting after the weekend, but it's nothing to do with the fact I kipped in between

Steve & Tony in the tent - it's definitely a sign that I need to do more steep hill work in the

next six weeks before Saunders..




DG Training 2011 : Week 19

Posted by Dougie on May 18, 2011 at 9:05 AM Comments comments (0)

Week 19 (09/05 - 15/05)


Weight : 11st 12.5lbs

Booze : 5

Miles : 38



Unconfirmed reports emerging from Tynecastle are that Neil Lennon's attacker was his long

suffering Postman....



Three men were captured by savages & told that their manhood would be removed in a

manner appropriate to their jobs..


The 1st man was a lumberjack, his would be chopped off..


The 2nd man was a butcher, his would be sliced off..


The 3rd man was rolling around in hysterics.. His captors asked "What's so funny ?" He

replied "I work for Dyson"....




Tuesday : Tonight I was to fulfill my duties as Top Town Park Marshall for the first race in the

Ladies 5K Series.. In order to get some training in, I ran from Roydon to the Town Park,

conducted my duties in a professional and supporting manner, then ran back again to

Roydon.. About 70 mins total there and back.. Nice running underfoot, flat as a pancake..



Thursday : About 8 miles with the club run.. Much of it along the river path.. Thoroughly

enjoyable evening..



Sunday : Hash run was from Abinger Common, so ran from home with two OS maps, rucsac

& compass to meet up with them, then ran back home again after it - the Hash group are

now really questioning my sanity.. Overall running time was 3h 45mins, covering about 22

miles off road..



Starting to gear up for training weekend in the Brecons (in a couple of weeks time).. Planning a route for Sat & Sun with CP's etc, in an attempt to replicate much of what will happen on Saunders weekend for the novices.. Here's hoping I don't scare them off..



DG Training 2011 : Week 18

Posted by Dougie on May 12, 2011 at 7:33 AM Comments comments (0)

Week 18 (02/05 - 08/05)

Weight : 12st 0lbs

Booze : 5

Miles : 26


Paddy & Murphy buy four budgies from a pet shop and proceed to drive to a cliff. Paddy puts two of the birds on his shoulders and jumps off, falling straight to his death. Murphy looks down at the remains of his pal and says "Feck dat, dis budgie jumpin's too bloody dangerous"..



Tuesday : Long hill reps x 6.. felt cr@p, and ran exactly how I was feeling..


Thursday : 5 mile handicap race (actually 4.89 mile, but hey ho, lets call it 5).. Slow start, picked up after first mile, finished steady.. Time, prob around 35 mins methinks


Sunday : Hash run was from Polesden Lacy, so ran from home with two OS maps, rucsac & compass to meet up with them.. Overall running time was 3h 15mins, covering about 18 miles off road..



DG Training 2011 : Week 17

Posted by Dougie on May 6, 2011 at 5:44 AM Comments comments (0)

Week 17 (25/04 - 01/05)


Weight : 12st 2lbs

Booze : 12

Miles : 26



Apparently, the Irish SAS joined in the US assault over the weekend..

They stormed Debenhams after hearing Summer Bed Linen was on the 3rd floor..



Tuesday : 10 x 400M's.. Thought I was running hard, but well down the field.. First speed work

I've done for some time, and it showed



Thursday : Managed to get home early (holiday weekend etc) and threw in the seven mile

route up & over St Martha's - even got up to the church without stopping, that's a first for this




Sunday : Was meeting up with the Hash guys, but plan A was slightly different from the

norm.. The Hash run was from a pub in Farnham which was also hosting a beer festival that

weekend (there's great planning for you..). Some of the troop were planning to cycle out to

Farnham, do the run, have a few scoops, then cycle back.. I decided to run out there (instead

of cycling), have a few scoops, then get the train back.. Run distance was going to be about

15 miles for me.. Unfortunatley, after I got the train back, I then met a couple of mates, and

went on the lash for the rest of the day / evening and got thoroughly rehydrated.. Felt so bad

all day holiday Monday, believe me..



Need to up the weekly mileage for a while, as it's only about two months to go to Saunders..

Have Brecons training weekend in a few weeks time.. That will give me an idea of what the nav

capabilities are of the other pairs in our group..




DG Training 2011 : Weeks 12 - 16

Posted by Dougie on April 26, 2011 at 12:19 PM Comments comments (0)

Week 12 - 16 (21/03 - 24/04)


Weight : 12st 1lbs

Booze : ??

Miles : ??


Firstly, let me apologise for my lack of reporting over past few weeks.. Work, holidays, other

priorities have taken their toll on my time / ability to draft the reports..


Unfortunately, there seems little let up, I fear more weeks will come & go..


As a summary of the past weeks..

Drinking too much, Training too little...



Well done to the recent VLM competitors..

However, there's always someone who goes off way too fast and blows up in the final 10k..

This year it was obviously my Saunders partner, Steve A..

His second half of VLM was 3 seconds slower than his first half !!! I mean, what a schoolboy

error.. We all know we need to finish strong - what was he thinking about.. I will need to

educate him during our 2 day stroll in the Lake District in July..



See you all soon, hopefully,




DG Training 2011 : Week 11

Posted by Dougie on March 22, 2011 at 9:28 AM Comments comments (0)

Week 11 (14/03 - 20/03)

Weight : 11st 12lbs

Booze : 10

Miles : 30


A child's life 1970 v 2010




Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.


1970 - Crowd gathers. Johnny wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best mates for life.


2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Mark started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs




Robbie won't Keep still in class, disrupts other students.


1970 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Headmaster. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.


2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.



Scenario :

Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad takes his belt to him.


1970 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.


2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Goverment psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.



Scenario :

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.


1970 - Mark gets glass of water from Teacher to take aspirin with.


2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.




Scenario :

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airfix paint bottle, blows up an ant’s nest.


1970 - Ants die.


2010- Police, Armed Forces, & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, MI5 investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.



Scenario :

Johnny falls while running during break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.


1970 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.


2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.



Tuesday : Didn't make it to club, so did 4 miles fairly easy on my own.. For some reason, my get up and go seems to have got up and went.. Very lacklustre..

Thursday : 5 mile tempo with 1 mile warm up / 1 mile cool down.. Was with Terry & Dan for a brief while (100 metres), then let them go, having still recovering from the wounds of trying to stay with them the other week.

Sunday : Took part in a charity event consisting of either a 10k, 15k, 30k, 40k (run or walk).. I decided to do the 30k, which was about 95% off road, following LDWA type route instructions. There were 3 CP's to clock into, and I finished in 3h 04mins.. It's not a race as such, there's no regulated start time - I thoroughly enjoyed the run, weather was excellent, conditions underfoot were reasonable, and I didn't get lost in the Surrey countryside..


DG Training 2011 : Weeks 9 & 10

Posted by Dougie on March 22, 2011 at 9:25 AM Comments comments (0)

Week 9 (28/02 - 06/03)

Week 10 (07/03 - 13/03)

Weight : 11st 13lbs

Booze : ? (not too many)

Miles : ? (too few)


When you have an I Hate My Job' day


Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days. Try this out: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson... Be very sure you get this brand.


When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box & read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized ."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so f... glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'




Apologies for lateness in writing the weekly blogs.. Work has somehow managed to get in the way of more important things like keeping the readers happy.. This includes the folks who decide to have a pop at me for failing to keep up my part of the bargain - they shall remain nameless (Matt)


It's been so long that I can't actually remember what I've been up to lately.. I had a quiet week after the Plod.. My level has moved up slightly (I think) on the speed work sessions. And, for some fun, on one of the Thursday sessions, I went off way too quick and decided to see how long I could keep it going for.. The fun bit was I had Terry & Dan in tow.. I blew up Matt-jestically about halfway round and they left me all alone (& crying).. Still - I'm sure I had them worried for a while..

My healthy diet is somewhat lacking in the healthy part !! I'm afraid chips are back on the menu, as well as the odd couple of beers intermittently.


DG Training 2011 : Week 8

Posted by Dougie on March 1, 2011 at 6:58 AM Comments comments (0)

Week 8 (21/02 - 27/02)


Weight : 11st 10lbs

Booze : 0

Miles : 25



The Reunion


Rachel, Clare and Samantha hadn't seen each other since Secondary School. They

rediscovered each other via a reunion website and arranged to meet for lunch in a wine bar.


Rachel arrived first, wearing camel Versace. She ordered a bottle of chilled Chablis.


Clare arrived shortly afterwards, in grey Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joined

Rachel in a glass of Chablis.


Then Sam walked in, wearing a faded old Barbour, jeans and Wellington boots. She too

shared the wine.


Rachel explained that after leaving school and graduating from Oxford in Classics she met

and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of

London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft house in North London , where Susanna,

their daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte

Carlo .


Clare graduated from King's College and became a Consultant Gynaecologist. Her husband,

Clive, is a leading A&E Consultant. They live in Dulwich and have a second home in Florida .


Sam explained that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a

tropical bird park in Norfolk and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand four parrots side by

side on his willy.


Half way down the third bottle of Chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurted out that her

husband isn't Timothy, he's Tom and he's a clerk for Islington Council. They live in a terraced

house in Muswell Hill, keep a caravan in France and Susan is a junior member of the local

Amdram Society.



Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, confessed that she and Clive

are nurses in King's College. They live in Herne Hill and have a timeshare in Orlando ..


Samantha said that the fourth parrot had to stand on one leg.




Tuesday : 12 x 400's... Spent majority of this session falling behind Louise and Dionne, with a

couple of go faster efforts when I wasn't feeling sorry for myself.. Kidded myself with one rep in

among the leading group - short lived was that one..


Thursday : Didn't get away from work in time to make it to club (and it was pub night, missed

that as well !!)


Sunday : Meon Valley Plod (Portsmouth area).. A tough 20+ miler off road, with mud hills,

more mud, more hills etc.. Finished in 3h32m, but was on fumes for last hour and swearing

constantly at my inability to maintain composure whilst trying to find a way through the mud..

Time is a full 10 minutes slower than last year, but I put that down to the 10 minutes waiting

in the queue to get over a stile in the early part of the race after a slow start this year.

Met up with some of the guys doing Saunders with us this year - they are all very much "up

for it" - need to plan a "training weekend" for May / June timeframe (note to self..)


As expected, the weight has gone down but surely due to dehydration after the Sunday run -

the "how to look good naked on the scales" is always a Monday morning event..


Legs are still tired today (Tuesday), but not as bad as I may have expected - will see if they

decide to co-operate at this weeks training.



DG Training 2011 : Week 7

Posted by Dougie on February 22, 2011 at 8:08 AM Comments comments (0)

Week 7 (14/02 - 20/02)



Weight : 12st 0lbs

Booze : 2

Miles : 30



Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite ?


All he wanted to do was eat, drink, and be Mary...






A blonde drops her skirt off at the dry cleaners.


The lady behind the counter says "Thank you, come again"


The blonde replies, "No, it's toothpaste this time, you nosey bitch"






Tuesday : 2.33M "trial" run.. Legs weren't really co-operating after the 20 on Sunday.. I was

chasing Sean, but I fear this was a lost cause from the start.. He got a good lead, and I never

really looked like I could get close enough to make him speed up - probably just as well..



Thursday : 10 miler with the club.. Decent enough run, with few (planned) stops.. We won't go

into too much detail on the unscheduled stop I made after about 6miles.. But.. I was the third

in the group to do so.. I did manage to catch them back up again, but was unable to talk once

I did - it took several hours for my tongue to become "unstuck" from the roof of my mouth..



Sunday : Ran 3.5M to get to the PH3 group, then (hard) 8 miles with them, then the reverse

3.5M back home again.. Was pretty knackered on return route.. The mid afternoon siesta was

much needed..



As expected, the weight did increase, but not too much.. I did have a wild Saturday night and

enjoyed two pints in my local pub (just to remind them I am still alive).


Another 30 mile under the belt this week.. I think the mileage is beginning to have an effect on

the stamina, but difficult to tell at the moment - I seem to be continually running "shagged

out" - top athletes reading this blog will understand the technical terms I use - anyone who

takes offence to these obviously don't mingle in the same circles as myself !!




DG Training 2011 : Week 6

Posted by Dougie on February 17, 2011 at 8:42 AM Comments comments (0)

Week 6 (07/02 - 13/02)


Weight : 11st 12.75lbs

Booze : 0

Miles : 30




An englishman, a scotsman, an irishman, a latvian, a turk, an aussie, a yank, an egyptian, a

jap, a mexican, a spaniard, a greek, a russian, an estonian, a german, an italian, a pole, a

lithuanian, a swede, a finn, an israeli, a romanian, a bulgarian, a serb, a czeck and a swiss

went into a pub.


The landlord says "I can't let you in without a Thai"...





Andy Gray's Resignation Letter........


I'm so sad to be leaving a company that I've served for over 20 years and a job that I've loved

doing. However, as I'm sacked anyway, I might as well tell you the story about my friend that I

was going to tell on air next week.


You see, she got a job as a teacher of physical education to a group of teenage boys. One

day she notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the field, while all the other

kids are running around at the other end having fun.


She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. "You ok sweetheart?" she says.


"Yes Miss" he replies.


"'You can go and play with the other kids if you want" she says.


"It's best I stay here Miss. " he says.



"Why?" asks the blonde.



The boy replies: "Because I'm the f***ing goal keeper"



Yours sincerely.

Andy Gray





Tuesday : 7 x 800's.. Again, was hanging off the back of Louise (found out her name this

week..), but the gap was widening on the last couple of reps. Bloody good session - must be

doing me good, but christ know's how / where / when ??



Thursday : Arrived late to club, then had an argument over parking with some dozy bint who's

car (unknown to me) had morphed into the dimensions of a russian oil tanker with a turning

radius of four miles.. I consider I did really well not to swear at her, but this may be because,

deep down, she was a very frightening exhibit of Essex's finest..

I baled out of doing longer run with the club masses, opting for something like an easy 5 miler

or so..



Sunday : Completed the LDWA Surrey 20 miler off road event from Witley.. Basically, it was

pissing down with rain from start to finish, and then some more.. Underfoot was pretty

messed up in some areas.. You have to follow route instructions, but I was really struggling to

read the bloody info given my glasses were washed out and steamed up.. Missed a track

around 4 mile mark and lost 10 mins while backtracking etc.. Finish time was 3hrs 40mins,

which was ok, as I expected to be around three and a half.. I was running on fumes for the

last 5 mile or so, and slowing, but it was time on the feet that was important, as opposed to

whether I was feeling great or not




Back on the wagon again, no drink this week.. And the highest weekly mileage this year..

Weight was 4lbs lower than last week, but I'm sure this is mainly due to dehydration from the

Sunday run, will probably go back up this week coming.. I've got another tough 20+ mile off

roader end of the month as part of general mileage build up..



As expected, Scotland are in line for this years Six Nations wooden spoon.. I reckon we'll get

beat (again) by Italy, but will raise our game on March 13th when we are playing another of

the lesser nations..